Cry me out?

I am so ridiculously over-emotional at the moment it's scary.
I have cried more in the last few days than I can remember ever crying throughout my entire life. I can't control it. At first it was fine because I was crying at stuff that people could understand (starting with sob-fest that was Tony's funeral) but now I'll start bawling at absolutely anything. I've cried at adverts for pete's sake. Seriously is something wrong with me now.

It goes to the other extreme as well. My normally fairly-short fuse has been cut to the quick and I now fly off the handle at record speeds.

Whilst sitting on the bus on the way to see the boy the other day all I could think was 'please don't cry' and 'just don't shout at him'. I was forgetting the fact that I was supposed to be going there to comfort him in HIS time of need but nevermind, selfish heart & all that. Luckily, we were fine. I managed to go an hour & a half without having an emotional melt-down. That he saw. Truthfully, I almost cried after we had sex! But thank heavens I managed to restrain myself. What in the name of christ have I become? This isn't me!

I'm really really hoping this is just a phase. And not that I'm becoming one of those pathetic women. I'm so much better than that! And honestly, I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me at the moment. Being a slave to your hormones is a nightmare.

10 things you want for christmas:

1. A shetland pony.

2. New GHDs.

3. Fur coat/cape.

4. Polaroid camera.

5. Pretty perfume.

6. A cute knitted jumper.

7. More vinyl. Any vinyl.

8. To see our tv debut.

9. A lovingly made mix tape.

10. Quality time with my faves.

9 musicians/bands you love:

1. The Horrors.

2. Michael Buble.

3. Lady Gaga.

4. David Bowie.

5. Savage Garden.

6. Lily Allen.

7. S.C.U.M

8. Kraftwerk.

9. The Kinks.

8 things you do everyday:

1. Watch Supernatural.

2. Drink tea.

3. Tweet unnecessary rubbish.

4. Injure myself.

5. Sleep for a ridiculously long time.

6. Nom fatty foods. Then feel guilty for doing so.

7. Wish someone would phone me.

8. Stroke my pussy.

7 things you enjoy:

1. Cuddles on the sofa.

2. Nights in with my bestest.

3. Crying with laughter, so much it hurts.

4. Making other people happy.

5. Singing at the top of my lungs.

6. Good food and good wine.

7. Finding a little gem hidden amongst all the tat in charity shops.

6 things that will always win your heart:

1. Lying in bed snuggling.

2. Making me feel special.

3. Sense of humour.

4. Making me as many cups of tea as I wish.

5. Putting up with my randomness.

6. Being random with me.

5 favourites:

1. Movie - Bad Education. Or maybe (500) Days of Summer.

2. Song - Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition possibly.

3. Book - The Portrait of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.

4. Band - The Horrors.

5. Season - Autumn.

4 smells you love:

1. Vanilla.

2. Paco Rabanne '1 Million'.

3. Freshly made coffee.

4. Bleach. Or any cleaning products.

3 places you want to go:

1. Paris.

2. Switzerland. Or anywhere with lots of snow.

3. Vegas baby.

2 best holidays:

1. Offset fest camping with my fave.

2. African safari in memory of my daddy.

1 person you'd marry on the spot:

1. Rafael Nadael.

Tonight I sleep on a bed of nails

I've just come to realise that I really don't like sleeping alone.
And even more than that - I actually sleep better accompanied by another being.

I think my irrational fear of the dark plays a major part in this. The fact that I cannot sleep in pitch darkness unless there is someone else with me, obviously effects my sleeping pattern.

I just hate going home to this:

Bad to the bone

I just re-watched one of my very favourite films:

La Mala Educación (Bad Education)

I can't even really begin to explain what exactly it is I love about this film so much. It's almost as if Pedro Almodóvar reached inside my brain, pulled out all the things I love and smooshed them together to create one beautifully made mexican masterpiece. I think if I had to chose only one film that I could watch for the rest of my life, this would probably be it.

Me encanta.

It's only words but words are all I have

Death. What a mother fucker.

Sean's uncle died today. I feel so helpless. My only ideas of death come from chickens being eaten and cats being given the lethal injection for no particular crime. I cannot even begin to understand what he's going through. I spoke to him on the phone earlier (when he told me the news) and I couldn't seem to say anything more constructive than 'I'm so sorry' and 'Give my love to your family'. All I want now, more than anything, is to be with him. To give him a big hug & make him feel better. But obviously his family need him as he needs them, & I don't want to get in the way of that.

It's a cheesy thing to say but death really does make you realise just how short and precious life is. I feel we need to, for want of better words 'live every day like it's your last' and really appreciate those around us. Make the most of the time we have.

Imagine me and you, I do

ghghgdhd

'If the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there'

This quote and this picture pretty much sums up the Ruby & Lex dynamic <3

You make me smile please stay for a while now

As a whole I detest chirpy, 'life-is great', sunshine and rainbows posts but I am in such a good mood at the moment I can't help it. I'm happy with what I've got & can see good things ahead of me.

I STILL have the greatest best friend in the world. There by my side through thick & thin. I rely on her more than I ever thought I would rely on another human being. I can't imagine my life without her. It's been about 2 months since I saw her last and though that kills me & I miss her like hell, we talk practically every day so I don't feel too left out of her life. It's strange but I'm starting to think that we may have even gotten closer (if that were indeed possible) as friends since she's been away. It's amazing just how beautiful & powerful true friendship is.

I've also just entered a new & exciting relationship with someone I think suits me better than I think either of us realised to begin with. I'm not gonna start gushing as I know full well how that achieves nothing but giving all readers a strong sense of nausea. I'll just say that he makes me very happy. His family love me apparently, as do his friends. And the fact that he's already sort of invited me to his birthday celebrations (which aren't for about 4 months!) shows he wants me around for some time yet. I'm sticking put. No changes please.

On top of all that I am currently in the middle of planning what will hopefully be the most incredible new years eve ever. With the help of the Cave Club, we shall be bringing in 2010 to the psychedelic sights & sounds of the underground. I am so excited to be spending it with both the aforementioned favourites as well as a whole bunch of other lovelies. I will be off my tits with happiness. Now all I have to do is be patient...

Every word I write spells out your name

I need to buy these tights.
They may look like a cross between a skin infection and a dyslexic learning the alphabet but I LOVE THEM.
Please santa?

I wont be messing with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness

It is my maternal grandmother's birthday today.
Yet we haven't sent a card or well-wishing message.
And we don't intend to.
This may seem strange to some but to me, the way I've been brought up and the way my family is, it is perfectly normal.

Let me explain - for all sorts of reasons that I won't go into now, my mother and grandmother have never really got on. There's always been a sense that my nan took great joy in belittling my mum and relished her failures. Surely this isn't how a mother should behave? I remember when I was very young spending time with my nan, and she said something insulting about my mum who wasn't there at the time. I was so shocked that she could be so callous towards her own daughter. I decided from that moment that I didn't want to spend time with someone who is going to bad-mouth possibly the most important person in my life. So we lost touch too. We have tried to build bridges and reconcile over the years. But the effort is always one-sided so gets a bit tiresome when you're trying to sort things out and you're the only one willing to compromise.

I've been thinking about this not only because it is her birthday today, but also because I have recently witnessed some very different family structures which made me look at my own in a new light.

I have been spending time in the presence of a huge, tight-knit family who, in the relatively short time they've known me, have taken me under their wing as if one of their own. Ten family members, covering three generations all live under one roof. Just the atmosphere and the sounds in that house are the polar opposite to that of my own home. But I liked it. It felt warm. Safe. Obviously it has it's drawbacks as with everything but for me, on first impression, it was like walking into something out of an old family movie.

I wondered for a little while if maybe I was missing out? I don't have close links with any of my family with the obvious exception of my mother. My family tree would be very bare. It would be nice to have a loving grandmother who would bake me cakes and things like that, but that's just not my life. I'm not saying one way is any better than the other. I am incredibly lucky to have such a close relationship with my mum which I know a lot of other people, often from larger families, don't experience. Every family is unique and we become the people we are as adults largely because of our upbringing.

I could talk about this forever and ramble on til my fingers bleed but I'll just finish by saying that I may not have a huge family like some but I have people in my life who as so so important to me that they are my family. It's a cheesy thing to say but my friends really ARE my family. This new family reflection has also made me certain that I want a big family of my own. The British Waltons yes please.

Secret smile

Not every picture has to be pretty to make me smile.

My funny valentine

I really really wish I was the kinda person to have the strength to let certain things just pass me by. Water off the proverbial duck's back. To just carry on as if it means nothing to you and you have no real interest either way. But instead, I am an over-emotional panicker. And a bit of a worrier too.

My boyfriend's a lucky lucky man isn't he?

I am trying to teach myself better habits. The 'counting to ten' method favoured by anger management teams works quite well with certain things. Simply telling myself 'Wait. It'll be OK, give it time' can work wonders when I'm bouncing off the walls because I'm waiting for someone to get back to me. I'm also trying not to let my emotions bubble over the surface too much either. So that, if I'm gonna have an emotional reaction, not everyone has to be privy to it. Though of course this is very much easy said that done.

But hey, time's on my side right? We live and we learn. I just hope

I don't drive all those closest to me away first!

Who am I?

I'm the knot in your stomach.

The phelgm in your throat.

The message saying you're not home.

But the lining is silver.

And one day you'll realise.