Just when I thought I couldn't love him any more.

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold. When it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.

- Charles Dickens

It's been almost a month since I was last on here & even longer since I posted any of substance. But here goes, this is my attempt to amend for my absence. Though no doubt it'll simply end up as another nonsensical rambling.

To say alot has happened in the last month would be a complete understatement. I feel like we haven't had a chance to breathe since before Christmas. It's amazing how much can change in such a relatively short space of time. And how much people can band together & really come through for those in need. Restores my faith in humanity. James has been unbelievably strong this whole time & has made us all incredibly proud. As well as making us all cry with his beautifully moving eulogy.

So now for the hard part. Attempting to get back to normal when in fact nothing's as it was & is far from normal. I don't know what to say as I can't even imagine what they're going through.

It has, for me anyway, made me want to appreciate those around me more & make the most of the time I've got. Stop putting things off. Stop hiding. Start being who I wanna be. Start living.

And interestingly, this whole experience has brought out an unexpected side to me. Suddenly I'm extremely paranoid & needy. This was never me! My self-esteem has never been brilliant & has hit a particularly low point of late but I always believed, above all else, in this relationship. Yet now I'm constantly anxious. I think I'm scared that he'll turn to someone else to talk to & then a shoulder to cry on will become something more. Just seeing him talking to another girl the other day made me feel physically sick. I hate myself for feeling like this. For doing this to him. He feels like I don't trust him when I do. It's just all the messed up shit in my head making me think irrationally. I don't want to stop him seeing his friends or control him. I just wanna feel safe again. Proper mental girlfriend, eh?

Lets just hope that in another couple of months things will have changed again but this time in a positive way.

Expect cupcakes. Or my mama's spaghetti bolognese. Or galaxy caramel. Or a cheeseburger with all the garnishings. Or creamy mashed potato. Or homemade cheesecake. Or heaps of chips with mayonaise. Or sweet & sour chicken. Or pizza.

I clearly love food too much to ever be skinny.

KATE: Tony, how long have you been in here?!

TONY: Long enough to know you can’t sing and you haven’t shaved your legs in a week.

Things I want:

- For James' mum to get better.
- Get my hair cut, coloured & permanently straightened.
- To go on holiday. Preferably somewhere hot.
- Get my favourite shoes repaired.
- Lose 9lbs.
- A pamper session to actually make me feel good about myself.
- To be able to treat my specials.
- Collect all the Criminal Minds boxsets.

But given that I have absolutely no money & do not possess a magic wand to alter the non-monetary controlled things, I guess it's all just a dream.

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past."

- Oscar Wilde

An anti-rape campaign that isn't anti-women?
Maybe there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/

A year on...

If someone had told me over a year ago that at this point in my life I'd be one year into a wonderful relationship with the guy I never thought I'd be lucky enough to find, I'd have laughed in their face. What a ridiculous concept that would've seemed.

But yet here we are. I've found him. The one I love.
And fortunately for me, he loves me too. Our anniversary celebrations consisted of drinking cocktails, going to see 'Black Swan', an over-indulgent dinner at our favourite pub & watching Dancing on Ice. Perfection.

So far...

2011 has pretty much sucked.

Numerous arguments, lots of crying plus James' mum is still in hospital. Surely things can only get better though, right? Please.