Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Friday, 4 March 2011
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
It's been almost a month since I was last on here & even longer since I posted any of substance. But here goes, this is my attempt to amend for my absence. Though no doubt it'll simply end up as another nonsensical rambling.
To say alot has happened in the last month would be a complete understatement. I feel like we haven't had a chance to breathe since before Christmas. It's amazing how much can change in such a relatively short space of time. And how much people can band together & really come through for those in need. Restores my faith in humanity. James has been unbelievably strong this whole time & has made us all incredibly proud. As well as making us all cry with his beautifully moving eulogy.
So now for the hard part. Attempting to get back to normal when in fact nothing's as it was & is far from normal. I don't know what to say as I can't even imagine what they're going through.
It has, for me anyway, made me want to appreciate those around me more & make the most of the time I've got. Stop putting things off. Stop hiding. Start being who I wanna be. Start living.
And interestingly, this whole experience has brought out an unexpected side to me. Suddenly I'm extremely paranoid & needy. This was never me! My self-esteem has never been brilliant & has hit a particularly low point of late but I always believed, above all else, in this relationship. Yet now I'm constantly anxious. I think I'm scared that he'll turn to someone else to talk to & then a shoulder to cry on will become something more. Just seeing him talking to another girl the other day made me feel physically sick. I hate myself for feeling like this. For doing this to him. He feels like I don't trust him when I do. It's just all the messed up shit in my head making me think irrationally. I don't want to stop him seeing his friends or control him. I just wanna feel safe again. Proper mental girlfriend, eh?
Lets just hope that in another couple of months things will have changed again but this time in a positive way.
To say alot has happened in the last month would be a complete understatement. I feel like we haven't had a chance to breathe since before Christmas. It's amazing how much can change in such a relatively short space of time. And how much people can band together & really come through for those in need. Restores my faith in humanity. James has been unbelievably strong this whole time & has made us all incredibly proud. As well as making us all cry with his beautifully moving eulogy.
So now for the hard part. Attempting to get back to normal when in fact nothing's as it was & is far from normal. I don't know what to say as I can't even imagine what they're going through.
It has, for me anyway, made me want to appreciate those around me more & make the most of the time I've got. Stop putting things off. Stop hiding. Start being who I wanna be. Start living.
And interestingly, this whole experience has brought out an unexpected side to me. Suddenly I'm extremely paranoid & needy. This was never me! My self-esteem has never been brilliant & has hit a particularly low point of late but I always believed, above all else, in this relationship. Yet now I'm constantly anxious. I think I'm scared that he'll turn to someone else to talk to & then a shoulder to cry on will become something more. Just seeing him talking to another girl the other day made me feel physically sick. I hate myself for feeling like this. For doing this to him. He feels like I don't trust him when I do. It's just all the messed up shit in my head making me think irrationally. I don't want to stop him seeing his friends or control him. I just wanna feel safe again. Proper mental girlfriend, eh?
Lets just hope that in another couple of months things will have changed again but this time in a positive way.
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