If you don't get the reference, I don't want to know you. Thursday, 28 January 2010
Back when I was a child. Before life removed all the innocence...
I recently watched a film from my childhood for the first time in about ten years. The film in question is 'The Lion King' - a Disney classic and my personal favourite without a doubt. Watching this again after so long affected me in a way I never would have expected & made me realise something about myself that I hadn't even considered.
I watched it on just an average day, sitting on the sofa with my beau; nothing out of the ordinary or particularly interesting here. But it was as soon as the music started that I felt it. Something inside me was coming alive again. My eyes welled up instantly & within seconds I was holding back the tears. I managed to contain myself reasonably well up until a certain point. Anyone who's seen the film will know which bit I am talking about. My heart literally sank, I was in pain. The floodgates opened & I wept like the little girl who saw watched this on the big screen all those years ago. I couldn't control myself.
Later, when recalling this ordeal for my mother, she said something which made perfect sense. She said 'Well, do you not think it's something to do with your dad?'. At first I joked & laughed it off by saying that my dad wasn't killed by my uncle & I didn't find him etc, etc. But after some serious consideration, I think she may be onto something. Despite the fact that none of the specifics are the same, I feel such a strong connection to its central themes & characters. This may be stupid & may just be the product of an over-emotional, drama-seeking brain, but I don't really care. I need to keep hold of these links to the past no matter how tenuous they may seem.
These lyrics are from a song featured in the stage production -
I watched it on just an average day, sitting on the sofa with my beau; nothing out of the ordinary or particularly interesting here. But it was as soon as the music started that I felt it. Something inside me was coming alive again. My eyes welled up instantly & within seconds I was holding back the tears. I managed to contain myself reasonably well up until a certain point. Anyone who's seen the film will know which bit I am talking about. My heart literally sank, I was in pain. The floodgates opened & I wept like the little girl who saw watched this on the big screen all those years ago. I couldn't control myself.
Later, when recalling this ordeal for my mother, she said something which made perfect sense. She said 'Well, do you not think it's something to do with your dad?'. At first I joked & laughed it off by saying that my dad wasn't killed by my uncle & I didn't find him etc, etc. But after some serious consideration, I think she may be onto something. Despite the fact that none of the specifics are the same, I feel such a strong connection to its central themes & characters. This may be stupid & may just be the product of an over-emotional, drama-seeking brain, but I don't really care. I need to keep hold of these links to the past no matter how tenuous they may seem.
These lyrics are from a song featured in the stage production -
He lives in you.
He lives in me.
He watches over,
Everything we see.
Into the water,
Into the truth.
In your reflection.
He lives in you.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Friday, 15 January 2010
I've got a style and you can't cheat it
Being copied is not flattering.
In theory it should be - someone's looked at what you have & thought they want that for themselves, they've aspired to be like you. But in reality it's just silly. The copier loses all sense of their own identity whilst the copy-ee struggles with having their every move & choice cloned. It's hard when dealing with this idea not to imagine young teenage girls copying each other's fluffy pink pencil cases & sparkly hairbands. It's that childish.
The worst kind of copying though is when someone is almost trying to steal your life. That by sharing your dreams you've inadvertantly inspired their new life plan. They've seen what you aspire to & where you're headed, & decided they'd like some of that for themselves. Are they really incapable of coming up with their own direction?
As you may have gathered from the tone of this post, I am currently the victim to some, very subtle but very real, life copying. The influence I have had on this person has been clear from day one &, though they'd deny it 'til the day they die, I know they were inspired by me. They want what I have. And what I will have. This person is so fickle that they see a trend, an idea, a style (usually on someone else I might add) that they like & they just have to have it. And it has to take over their life. No half measures. I could just let this wash over me & think that this is just another fad & that by next week they'll be onto something new but I can't help worrying that somehow, this will be the one that sticks.
I'm pissed off at what they're doing. And how blatantly they're rubbing it in my face. Boasting about their new amazing life. MY LIFE! But mainly the reason I'm annoyed is because I don't want them to be better than me. I don't want them to get there before I do. I don't even want them in the same league. The thought of them achieving my goals makes me sick to my stomach. I'm fed up of feeling crappy when things slow down just because I feel I have to keep up with someone else. It's ridiculous. I want to be able to fantasize about my future again without constantly thinking 'will I be better off than them?'.
Moral of the story: find your own life & leave mine the fuck alone.
In theory it should be - someone's looked at what you have & thought they want that for themselves, they've aspired to be like you. But in reality it's just silly. The copier loses all sense of their own identity whilst the copy-ee struggles with having their every move & choice cloned. It's hard when dealing with this idea not to imagine young teenage girls copying each other's fluffy pink pencil cases & sparkly hairbands. It's that childish.
The worst kind of copying though is when someone is almost trying to steal your life. That by sharing your dreams you've inadvertantly inspired their new life plan. They've seen what you aspire to & where you're headed, & decided they'd like some of that for themselves. Are they really incapable of coming up with their own direction?
As you may have gathered from the tone of this post, I am currently the victim to some, very subtle but very real, life copying. The influence I have had on this person has been clear from day one &, though they'd deny it 'til the day they die, I know they were inspired by me. They want what I have. And what I will have. This person is so fickle that they see a trend, an idea, a style (usually on someone else I might add) that they like & they just have to have it. And it has to take over their life. No half measures. I could just let this wash over me & think that this is just another fad & that by next week they'll be onto something new but I can't help worrying that somehow, this will be the one that sticks.
I'm pissed off at what they're doing. And how blatantly they're rubbing it in my face. Boasting about their new amazing life. MY LIFE! But mainly the reason I'm annoyed is because I don't want them to be better than me. I don't want them to get there before I do. I don't even want them in the same league. The thought of them achieving my goals makes me sick to my stomach. I'm fed up of feeling crappy when things slow down just because I feel I have to keep up with someone else. It's ridiculous. I want to be able to fantasize about my future again without constantly thinking 'will I be better off than them?'.
Moral of the story: find your own life & leave mine the fuck alone.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Gimme your proud look and your lying tongue. Come on, speak in wrongs
Break ups suck. Pretty sure there'd be no argument there.
But the worst kind are the ones where you don't REALLY break up.
Hearing the other person is unhappy and unsure of your relationship is one thing. Seeing them sucking face with someone they've just met, when they're supposed to be out with you, is quite another. One major kick in the teeth and a sort-of 'fuck you' to the other person. What could've been an amicable break up becomes some kind of childish game. But I mean, why use words when actions can clearly show what you mean? Why wait until after the relationship has ended to find someone else when you can use someone else to assist your break up strategy? It's all so petty.
So now I find myself angry. Not upset.
I can deal with it being over. I already knew it was pretty much over.
I'm ok with not having him in my life now. I'm still going places.
It's being treated like that that takes some getting used to. The idea of being so cruel to someone you were so close to and, up to that point, had had no real issue with, is something I just can't get my head around. I'm disappointed things got to that point. And cross with myself for not getting out sooner. For holding onto something I knew deep down wasn't right. Story of my life.
But we live and we learn right?
And what goes around comes around baby.
But the worst kind are the ones where you don't REALLY break up.
Hearing the other person is unhappy and unsure of your relationship is one thing. Seeing them sucking face with someone they've just met, when they're supposed to be out with you, is quite another. One major kick in the teeth and a sort-of 'fuck you' to the other person. What could've been an amicable break up becomes some kind of childish game. But I mean, why use words when actions can clearly show what you mean? Why wait until after the relationship has ended to find someone else when you can use someone else to assist your break up strategy? It's all so petty.
So now I find myself angry. Not upset.
I can deal with it being over. I already knew it was pretty much over.
I'm ok with not having him in my life now. I'm still going places.
It's being treated like that that takes some getting used to. The idea of being so cruel to someone you were so close to and, up to that point, had had no real issue with, is something I just can't get my head around. I'm disappointed things got to that point. And cross with myself for not getting out sooner. For holding onto something I knew deep down wasn't right. Story of my life.
But we live and we learn right?
And what goes around comes around baby.
Friday, 1 January 2010
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me. And I'm feeling good
First post of 2010. Wow.
Kinda sad to see the back of 2009 to tell the truth. It was a very eventful but mostly fantastic year. Over those twelve months I loved, lost, travelled, hosted, gave, received, sang, danced, drank, laughed & cried. It's amazing what can happen if you let it.
Honestly I'm a little apprehensive about what this new year will bring.
I'd love to see it continue on the same vein as its predecesor but given that the last month of 2009 was definitely the worst, I can't help but worry that this is it.
But a new leaf has been turned.
Despite the fact that I hate the phrase with a passion, I must say I feel I have a chance to 'start afresh'. Put all the bad parts of 2009 behind me but continue on with the good. I know, if I think positive, that great things can happen.
Kinda sad to see the back of 2009 to tell the truth. It was a very eventful but mostly fantastic year. Over those twelve months I loved, lost, travelled, hosted, gave, received, sang, danced, drank, laughed & cried. It's amazing what can happen if you let it.
Honestly I'm a little apprehensive about what this new year will bring.
I'd love to see it continue on the same vein as its predecesor but given that the last month of 2009 was definitely the worst, I can't help but worry that this is it.
But a new leaf has been turned.
Despite the fact that I hate the phrase with a passion, I must say I feel I have a chance to 'start afresh'. Put all the bad parts of 2009 behind me but continue on with the good. I know, if I think positive, that great things can happen.
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